


Squirrel Almighty

by Diaryofanarcissisticgayman



Series: Prompts [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cop! Niall, I shouldn't offer to fill prompts because they always turn out for shit, I'm Sorry, M/M, Weird! Harry, besides disappointing, i'm not really sure what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 10:26:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3974650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaryofanarcissisticgayman/pseuds/Diaryofanarcissisticgayman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Harry’s defense it was really hot today. It was hot, and he had a black car with black leather seats because he thought it looked cool when he bought it. It wasn’t cool during summer though. It was blistering hot, so when he drove to work he did everything he could to keep himself from dying of heatstroke. That included rolling down all the windows, and the stupid bloody sunroof.</p><p>That might not have been a problem if he hadn’t parked under a tree in a vain attempt to keep the temperature down, or if he had remembered that he had done it when he rolled his windows back up. But he did, and he hadn’t, and that combination led to his downfall and this whole stupid situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Squirrel Almighty

**Author's Note:**

> I filled this for a prompt over on my tumblr for craicme-niall. I'm so sorry for what this is. Please don't hate me.
> 
> Filled for the prompt “it’s 2 in the morning and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping”

In Harry’s defense it was really hot today. It was hot, and he had a black car with black leather seats because he thought it looked cool when he bought it. It wasn’t cool during summer though. It was blistering hot, so when he drove to work he did everything he could to keep himself from dying of heatstroke. That included rolling down all the windows, and the stupid bloody sunroof.

That might not have been a problem if he hadn’t parked under a tree in a vain attempt to keep the temperature down, or if he had remembered that he had done it when he rolled his windows back up. But he did, and he hadn’t, and that combination led to his downfall and this whole stupid situation. His car isn’t even totaled. It’s basically fine except for a little dent in the side. It's just that he hit a lamppost that belongs to the city of London, and knew he should stick around and admit what he did so that the taxpayers didn’t foot the bill for his mistake.

So now he’s standing around in the street at two in the morning, cradling the instigator of the event against his chest to get her to stop shivering from the trauma of the whole thing, and waiting for the police officers who pulled up a moment ago to get out of their bloody car and do something instead of what appears to be bickering. All in all, the night is far from ideal.

That improves slightly when not one, but two gorgeous blokes step out of the Vauxhall Corsa, dressed in those uniforms that Harry is not ashamed to say turn him on more than they probably should, and make their way over to him. The bigger one, a brunet with short cropped hair and a kind smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes, speaks first. “Hello sir, I’m Sergeant Payne, and this is my partner Constable Horan. I’m sorry that took so long. Police business. What happened here?”

“I um-” Harry stammers. “I ran into the post.”

“Think we can see that mate.” the smaller blond one with the pretty blue eyes, Constable Horan, giggles. “You been drinking tonight sir?”

“No.” Harry huffs. “I was working late, and then I was startled and ran into the pole.”

“It’s a fair assumption.” Horan shrugs. “It’s two in the morning, you had an accident, and you’re holding a squirrel. Alcohol is really the only explanation.”

“Sir, can you explain how this happened exactly?” Sergeant Payne cuts in. “And why you’re holding a grey squirrel?”

“I left my sunroof open today.” Harry sighs. “Apparently she climbed into my car, and I don’t think she could get out on her own. When I started driving it must have woken her up. She started jumping around, and it scared me, which is why I drove into the post.”

“So this squirrel made you crash your vehicle, and now you’re hugging it?” Horan asks with a bright smile.

“She hurt her leg when I crashed.” Harry points out, shifting her to the side so they can see the way her leg is twisted. “I’m going to take her to a veterinarian and then release her back into the tree I parked under once she’s healed.”

“That is-” Horan drawls out. Harry fully expects him to say ‘crazy’, but is instead pleasantly surprised when he finishes with “So cute.”

“I’m sorry to inform you of this sir, but that’s actually illegal.” Sergeant Payne sighs. “Grey squirrels are classified as vermin under the Wildlife and Countryside act of nineteen-eighty-one. They are to be humanely disposed of.”

“You want me to kill Goss?” Harry yelps, pivoting his body to keep her away from the no-longer-cute Sergeant. “No!”

“You named it Goss?” Horan asks curiously. “Is that short for Gosselin?”

“It’s short for Gossip Squirrel.” Harry admits in a mumble.

Horan lets loose a loud cackle, slapping his knee and gripping onto the Sergeant’s shoulder just to keep himself standing. Harry flushes a deep red while Payne just covers his face in what looks like a habitual gesture of fond exasperation. The blond doesn’t stop for several moments, ignoring both Harry’s embarrassment and the Sergeant’s. He just howls “Gossip Squirrel! Fucking legendary!”

“I’m not going to kill her.” Harry huffs, choosing to refocus on Payne while Horan tries to regain his breathing.

“It’s illegal to own a grey squirrel. It’s also illegal to release them back into the wild.” Payne says firmly. “I’m sorry sir, but I’m going to have to insist you hand her over so that we can-”

“Liam, let me take care of this, yeah?” Horan cuts in.

“Procedure Constable.” Liam grumbles. “While we are on duty, and most especially when in front of a civilian, you will address me by my rank or surname. I am your-”

“Superior. Yeah, yeah. I know.” Horan says with a light eye-roll. “Clearly you’re upsetting him though. Please, Sergeant, allow me to continue this while you run his license and all that. For once your boy-next-door-charm isn’t going to get it done.”

Liam contemplates that for a moment and then sighs. He nods and says “License, proof of insurance, and registration please.”

“Here.” Harry says curtly, pulling all the documents he’d retrieved after the crash out of his pockets and shoving them into Liam’s hand without so much as a glance at him. He’s by far Harry’s least favorite person today, and Harry actually had a muffin thrown at him by an irate customer earlier.

“Sorry about that.” Horan mumbles when Liam makes his way back to their area car and climbing in. “It’s all about rules with that one. Got promoted a week ago and let it go right to his head. It was pretty big before, but now- Well you’ve seen it. Bloody football on top of his neck.”

Harry lets out an unexpected giggle at that, covering his mouth once he realizes he’s done it. “Anyways-” Horan continues. “About Gossip Squirrel-”

“I’m not killing her.” Harry repeats.

“I was actually going to congratulate you on the best name for a pet I’ve ever heard.” Horan grins. “I have a plan, but you’re going to have to do exactly what I tell you to, got it?”

“What are you talking about?” Harry questions.

“To save Gossip Squirrel obviously.” the Constable scoffs. “You are going to have to surrender her though.”

“But you’re-” Harry protests.

“I’m not going to kill her.” Horan cuts him off. “I’m just going to make Payno think I am. I’ll keep her safe in my gym bag. It’ll be a bit smelly, but she’ll be fine. Once I get off duty I’ll bring her around to yours so you can do your whole cute hippie thing. Sound good?”

“Um, sure.” Harry nods nervously. “But how do I know that this isn’t just a plot to get me to hand her over so you can actually kill her?”

Horan throws a glance over his shoulder to make sure his partner isn’t looking, and then tears his watch off of his wrist. He pushes it into Harry’s hand and says “Take this for collateral. My Da gave it to me the day I graduated from the academy. If I don’t come back for that with Gossip Squirrel in good condition, it’s yours to do whatever you want with.”

“How will you know where I live?” Harry asks, seeing Liam start to climb back out of the car, and shoving the admittedly nice watch in his pocket.

“Got your address on the official report now, don’t I?” Horan says with a cheeky wink. Liam starts to approach them, and Niall raises his voice back to normal and firmly says “Now sir, I’m going to need you to hand over the animal please.”

“Fine.” Harry sighs dramatically, hoping that one semester of acting class he took is enough to put on a convincingly put out expression. He carefully transfers her over into the Constable’s hands, barely suppressing a smile when the blond gives him a wink. Harry decides to add a venomous “Jerk.” for good measure.

“Thank you sir.” Horan beams, cradling Gossip Squirrel gently against his chest. “She won’t feel a thing. I promise.”

“She’d better not.” Harry insists. If the constable wants his watch back in one piece, then she’d better be fine. He may be gorgeous, but he made a promise and Harry expects him to keep it. He had better return her in the same condition she is now at least.

“Alright Mr. Styles-” Liam says, stepping between them. “I understand that tonight has been difficult for you, and I appreciate that you actually reported the damage yourself instead of fleeing the scene like you could have. This is still classified as vandalism though, and I’m afraid I’ll have to write it up.”

“I know.” Harry grumbles, taking a seat on the sidewalk while Liam writes out his ticket. “How much is the fine for vandalism these days?”

“Depends on the damage. For this it would be twenty-five-hundred pounds or three months in prison.” Liam shrugs.

“Twenty-five-hundred pounds?” Harry almost screeches.

“But if you’d let me finish-” Liam says sternly. “Police are allowed to give out penalty notices at our discretion. Like I said, I appreciate that you reported this, even though you knew that you’d probably get away scot-free. Because of that, the fact that the destruction wasn’t intentional, and the unfortunate business with the squirrel, I’ll be issuing a penalty notice instead. It’ll still show up on your record as a misdemeanor, but the fine is only eighty pounds and once you pay that it all goes away. There’s actually a website on the back of this that’ll let you pay it if you want to do it that way. I’ll need you to sign this penalty notice ticket, agreeing to pay the fine and that you understand what I’m telling you.”

“Oh my god, I could kiss you!” Harry giggles, jumping to his feet.

“Please don’t sir.” Liam says nervously, taking a step back.

“I won’t obviously.” Harry scoffs. “You’re still a squirrel murderer. Thank you for this though. I really appreciate it.”

“It’s the least I can do.” Liam smiles. 

Harry signs the ticket, takes his copy, and watches with sad eyes as the police officers drive away after setting up caution tape around the slightly bent lamppost. He drives back to his flat, leaving the fate of poor, innocent Gossip Squirrel up to the cute Constable with the pretty blue eyes and loud laugh. It makes him nervous, but he still manages to fall asleep on the couch waiting for Constable Horan to show up.

 

Sunlight is streaming through the curtains when Harry wakes up to a loud knock on his front door. “Open up! Police!” comes a muffled call, and Harry rushes forward still half asleep to wrench open the door. “Hiya Harry.”

“Constable Horan?” Harry asks, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. “What time is it?”

“Half eight. Just got off. And you can call me Niall now.” Horan grins. “Came straight over here after I got a little help.”

“Oh.” is all Harry can think to say.

“Can I come in then?” Niall asks. “I’m still in uniform, and technically I’m holding onto something illegal. Not a brilliant career move on my part.”

“Of course.” Harry nods, opening up the door and letting the blond walk in. “How is she?”

“She’s sleeping.” Niall chuckles, setting a bag down on Harry’s coffee table and opening it up gently. He lifts Gossip Squirrel out, nestled in a fluffy towel, and sets her on the sofa. “A friend of mine runs an animal shelter, and he helped me out with a splint for our girl here.”

“Our girl?” Harry scoffs. “Don’t you mean my girl?”

“No, I mean OUR girl.” Niall smirks. “I had her for longer than you did, and I’ve grown quite attached. Even shared part of a can of cashews with her. I never share food with anyone, so that’s quite significant I think.”

“You’re not very-” Harry struggles to find the right word. “Policemanish.”

“And you’re not very eloquent.” Niall counters.

“Fine. You’re not very authoritative.” Harry grumbles. “Better?”

“Marginally.” Niall chuckles, settling back against the couch and holding the bundle in his arms. “You should get going now. I’ll wait until you get back.”

“Go where? What?” Harry stammers.

“She needs a place to live Harry. You can’t just leave her to fend for herself all day while you’re at work.” Niall says matter-of-factly. “There’s a pet store a few blocks from here. You’ll need to get her a cage, and a waterer, and some food.”

“I uh- I used to have a hamster. I still have the cage and the waterer, and I have plenty of different kinds of nuts in my pantry.” Harry tells him. “Why are you doing all of this?”

“I told you, I’ve gotten quite attached.” Niall smiles down at the sleeping squirrel bundled up in his arms like it’s an infant. “She’s really quite sweet you know. Very calm too. Didn’t even fight it when Tommo put the splint on her. He said she should be good in a few weeks, and I have his number for you to call him if you need any help. He’ll pick up day or night. He’s very invested in Goss’ recovery.”

“Alright then.” Harry nods. “Do you uh- Do you want some tea or something before you go?”

“No. I’ve put you out enough already. You probably didn’t get much sleep last night.” Niall says, standing up and gently passing the bundle into Harry’s arms. “Did you pay your fine?”

“Not yet.” Harry admits. “I get paid tomorrow, so I’ll do it then.”

“Damn.” Niall sighs.

“What? Do I have a time limit on it or something?” Harry asks worriedly.

“No, I was just hoping to ask you out. Can’t go ahead and date a known vandal though, can I?” Niall chuckles. “It’d look terrible for me.”

“What?” Harry sputters.

“Think I was being pretty direct Harry.” Niall says, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I’d like to take you out some time.”

“But why?” Harry questions. “Don’t you think I’m weird or something?”

“Or something.” Niall shrugs. “You’re a bit strange, yeah. You’re also really sweet though. Most people wouldn’t have thought to help the squirrel that made their car crash, let alone been willing to commit criminal activity to save its life. I mean, I was pretty interested before I even got out of the car, which is why it took five minutes of arguing with Payno before we actually helped you. You’re right fit you know, even at half eight with some pretty intense bed-head. That doesn’t really matter to me now though. I’m much more interested in the lad who saved Gossip Squirrel than the hottie I saw at first.”

“I can uh- I can go pay my fine now.” Harry offers. “It’ll clean out my rainy-day fund, but I’m totally willing.”

“I can wait.” Niall hums. “You pay it tomorrow, and then call me. I’ll want to check up on Goss anyways.”

“I will.” Harry nods. He digs his hand into his pocket, holding tightly onto Gossip Squirrel with the other, and fishes out Niall’s timepiece. “Here’s your watch.”

“Ah, thank you.” Niall giggles, slipping it back onto his wrist. “I’ll see you around Harry. Hopefully soon.”

“Very.” Harry nods, watching as the Constable makes his way out, leaving two cards on the coffee table when he grabs his bag. Once the door closes, Harry rushes over to the table and picks them up. The first is for a Louis Tomlinson at an animal shelter. The second is just a piece of paper with a phone number, and a cute little doodle of a squirrel with a heart around it. He beams down at Goss and says “You, are a very lucky little squirrel. Might have to keep you around forever.”


End file.
